Doubts

I'm not having a good time of it lately. The work is really getting me down - I spend whole days working away, trying to get everything on that day's to do list done, but only ever seem to scratch the surface. I'm becoming disillusioned and demoralised - silly really considering I have 14 days left to prove my worth on my degree and qualify as a BA Industrial Designer.

Only I don't know if I'll make it, I've got so much to do, and so little time to complete it in. I don't think I can recall a time when I have felt this stressed. This is worth so much - if I do poorly in this one project, that will be my entire degree ruined. And ok, I know the class of your degree isn't the be all and end all, but after 4 years of long days, long nights, tears, pain, stress and hope, I find that I have a lot invested emotionally in doing well.

This is my life. Design. I can't imagine doing anything other than this. I couldn't do anything other than this. But what if? What if I can't complete this project? What if my output is poor?

What if I fail?

I guess that's the biggest issue for me. I have never failed at anything that ever meant anything to me. Driving tests, GCSEs, A Levels, I got the university I wanted, I have got every interview I ever went for. Maybe this is the point at which I learn that important lesson. Failure.

Now if I take my logical side of the brain, switch it on, and use it properly, I'd know that I already have enough marks in the bag to pass my degree. Even if I got a zero in this project I'd still come out with a 45. A Pass.

But I don't want a Pass, I want a 2:1. If I'm brutally honest I want a first. I don't think I'll get that, and I won't hold my hopes up for one, the best I can expect is a 2:1. But I'll hold out for a 2:2...then I can't get let down by myself.

Maybe that's it. I might have let myself down. Well I've come too far to change the nights when I've gone to bed not worked through. Too far to change that I have made things difficult for myself. Too far to change that despite my tough outer shell, I'm petrified of talking to people, asking for help. Too far to change that I will procrastinate to put off having to do things that I haven't done before. Too far.

15 days. Or 14 if you count that today is almost gone.

14 days until there is nothing left to change my fate.

But do I have the strength; the inclination; the will to put that much more effort in? Will putting that effort in increase my emotional investment, make the pill that much tougher to swallow, if I do badly?

I don't know.

But I think I'd better figure it out soon, before it's too late.

If only I could believe in myself