Saturday, May 19, 2007

11 days...

This week has just flown by, I've spent the entire week with a sanding block in my hand rubbing down my project - it is the most mind-numbing experience, oh and combined with car body filler I've lost the first few layers of skin on my fingers - it really isn't very attractive, so I'm going to get some Swiss hand-cream. I think that'll do the job - that or a I should just climb in a giant tub of aqueous cream.

The project has been moving forward, but not as quickly as I'd have hoped. Friday saw a disaster hit, my own fault really, because I hadn't squared up all the pieces before I started glueing - resulting in a nice 1 inch gap in the sides of my chair. Cue a frantic search for my tutor, the borrowing of mallets, clamps, the nailing down of batons, leverage and some brute forcing to impose 90 deg angles on the thing. So that was a day wasted. At least all the parts should fit together and it won't be on the wonk...

This means I have 11 days left - my project is still in pieces, the electronics aren't finished, I haven't finished modelling the CAD for it, I have no user evaluations, and the report isn't written.

Oh and I'm shattered, although I have an over developed right arm from sanding.

Thankfully, all doubts have been pushed to the back - I have no time for them.

(there was no Elegantly Dressed Wednesday this week from me purely because I was working away from computers all week)

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Doubts

I'm not having a good time of it lately. The work is really getting me down - I spend whole days working away, trying to get everything on that day's to do list done, but only ever seem to scratch the surface. I'm becoming disillusioned and demoralised - silly really considering I have 14 days left to prove my worth on my degree and qualify as a BA Industrial Designer.

Only I don't know if I'll make it, I've got so much to do, and so little time to complete it in. I don't think I can recall a time when I have felt this stressed. This is worth so much - if I do poorly in this one project, that will be my entire degree ruined. And ok, I know the class of your degree isn't the be all and end all, but after 4 years of long days, long nights, tears, pain, stress and hope, I find that I have a lot invested emotionally in doing well.

This is my life. Design. I can't imagine doing anything other than this. I couldn't do anything other than this. But what if? What if I can't complete this project? What if my output is poor?

What if I fail?

I guess that's the biggest issue for me. I have never failed at anything that ever meant anything to me. Driving tests, GCSEs, A Levels, I got the university I wanted, I have got every interview I ever went for. Maybe this is the point at which I learn that important lesson. Failure.

Now if I take my logical side of the brain, switch it on, and use it properly, I'd know that I already have enough marks in the bag to pass my degree. Even if I got a zero in this project I'd still come out with a 45. A Pass.

But I don't want a Pass, I want a 2:1. If I'm brutally honest I want a first. I don't think I'll get that, and I won't hold my hopes up for one, the best I can expect is a 2:1. But I'll hold out for a 2:2...then I can't get let down by myself.

Maybe that's it. I might have let myself down. Well I've come too far to change the nights when I've gone to bed not worked through. Too far to change that I have made things difficult for myself. Too far to change that despite my tough outer shell, I'm petrified of talking to people, asking for help. Too far to change that I will procrastinate to put off having to do things that I haven't done before. Too far.

15 days. Or 14 if you count that today is almost gone.

14 days until there is nothing left to change my fate.

But do I have the strength; the inclination; the will to put that much more effort in? Will putting that effort in increase my emotional investment, make the pill that much tougher to swallow, if I do badly?

I don't know.

But I think I'd better figure it out soon, before it's too late.

If only I could believe in myself

Monday, May 14, 2007

Depression

The weekend was miserable, weather-wise - just poured down all day long, which unsurprisingly gives the day an air of depression. I didn't get much done in total, I managed to get a few engineering drawings started, and get more done on my models, however yesterday afternoon was mostly spent watching TV, as I ran out of work to do.
Today however I will be back in uni for a full day in the workshops, a day of sanding, soldering and hard graft...yay.

17 days left until the end of my degree and I'm never going to finish in time...
I promise after that, that I'll start putting up proper posts that aren't at all just quick notes on the content of my depressing weekend.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Yesterday

Yesterday was very good, I managed to complete my electronics and attempted to produce a PCB, which didn't go too well, however I'm going to complete it today...hopefully

Anyway early nights are the order of the day - ridiculously early, 9.30pm last night, and I'm not so refreshed as I would have liked, I don't think I've ever been so happy for it to be a Friday, not that the weekend will be any better, filled with computing and CAD ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Anyway, put my smiling face on...

3BT
1. Getting to the point where I'm finally starting to "get" electronics, I really should have done it in my second year

2. Tony Blair finally leaving office, I detest that odious man, although I'm inclined to believe that he was the frying pan, and Brown is the fire

3. Rain, that is so needed, it's light and doesn't drag me down

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Elegantly Dressed Wednesdays

I few days ago I found this link, and it reminded me of how poorly people dress nowadays - where has class and elegance gone??
So to celebrate the new EDW, here's a picture of a very elegant lady herself

Maria Callas

Simple, classic elegance; something I aspire to, although I know I rarely achieve it.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Willow, Handy and Tipsy

1. Walking down by the nature reserve and letting the new willow leaves brush over my face, instead of ducking

2. Getting an unexpected lift to Halfords and a hand with 2 tubs of car body filler

3. Seeing my old housemate Pippin, I haven't seen her for nearly 2 years and we laugh at how quickly the time has flown, and get a bit tipsy

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Angry sunshine, smokey sausages and being a morning lark

1. Sitting in the sunshine, in my sports casual look, dust mask, sanding away to the Foo Fighters

2. A small BBQ with Kate and Sam's mates, they're good people and interesting to chat to

3. Being up ludicrously early but still having the energy to complete a report before 9am

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Infatuation

ok ok ok, I know it's very sad, but I'm infatuated with some music (is that really possible...?)

Anyway, I will save the gushing tribute style that I've done before and just say this...

I've listened to this album continuously for the last 10 days, for about 13 hours a day, and I'm still not bored of it.

Maximo Park - Our Earthly Pleasures

Buy it

Now

(oh yeah, I've decided I'm moving to Newcastle and marrying the lead singer, either him or Kevin McCloud or Derren Brown...although I imagine Derren would be a nightmare - start an argument and he'd convince you he was right, that he'd won, and that you didn't have a leg to stand on...nightmare)

New beginnings, dinner, pink


Apologies for not posting yesterday, my computer decided that it wasn't going to turn on yesterday, but miraculously decided that it would today - typical!

1. Hearing from Tegan that she got the job in Newcastle

2. Nikki cooking dinner for me after a long week of toil, yummy

3. Toying with the idea of putting a pink streak in my hair - I used to be pink all over, and I'll probably never do that again, but it'd be nice to have a change.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Toil, Home again and fresh

1. Working all through the day for 13 hours, there's something deeply satisfying to toil for a long day performing hard manual jobs

2. Finally moving into my room properly, despite that smell

3. Fresh air and a breeze after a day with a dust mask on, inhaling particles

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The last few days

I've been in the workshops all day everyday and coming home to a topsy turvy house - where the painter still didn't show up on Monday - consequently I have been living in the Lounge at the moment, and I'm sure my housemates aren't too pleased about that. Hopefully the god-awful man will be finished by tonight and I can at least move all my stuff back into my room, even if I don't sleep there tonight for all the paint fumes.

I have also had a really productive week so far, I will post some photos of the work I have been doing when I get my computer back up and running (I'm in uni at the minute for this post).

Today has been accident prone to say the least - I have already cut open my hands 3 times before it was even 10am, so in true survivalist style I got the super glue out and sealed myself back up. I then stowed the glue away in a safe place (my pocket with Kate's safety goggles in), and off I went to the bandsaw to cut out some wood. On went the safety glues and off they came very sharpish...I came within about 3mm of pouring an entire bottle of superglue in my eye - I could feel the fumes and heat coming off the inside of the goggle lens - a close shave.

Last ngiht Nikki and I went to the pub after working all day to have a drink and sat in the sun - very nice...except on an empty stomach - luckily I had some left overs when I got home and didn't having to attempt Tipsy Cooking :D

3BT
1. Getting pretty much all my gluing completed

2. Tom finally settling on a design with minimal time left, its been a big push for him, mostly with my cracking the whip, so well done.

3. Home made potato salad - I love potatoes in all their forms, and potato salad just makes me think of summer time when I was a child