Tired. So tired.

I have suddenly and unconsciously found myself on the posting page of Blogger, ready to write.

I don't remember getting here, the few mouse click its takes for me to navigate to this spot, but here I am, and my mind obviously wants to write.

I'm feeling low today. Tired. So, so tired. This struggle to do this degree is at breaking point. I can't wait to leave uni now, and I just know these last days are going to drag by and fly by, so much to do, so little time; but watching the clock slows the time considerably.

I don't really know what else to write, I'm hugely preoccupied with thoughts on how I can get through the coming months, but it's swimming round in my head in an unformed jumble with a lack of structure and logic. These thoughts need time to brew, to take shape and be digested before I can write about them.
Sometimes I have an order and logic to my posts, innately formed in my head; other times, like now, my head is so full of thoughts spinning and tumbling around, that I have little time for much organisation.

I am aware I'm making no sense, however I'm just letting my fingers type, so I'm not in control of this ramble.

I will go now, try and relax, cook maybe, and then, well, I will start to digest the thoughts.

Glastonbury Festival

Its the last day to register for the Glastonbury Festival and to be honest I'm surprised at the low numbers, only 260,000 people registered so there's a 1 in 2 chance of getting a ticket.

However I only know 3 or 4 people going and no-one I ask seems to want to go, I suggest it to people and they just shrug their shoulders and say they'd rather go to V. Now I just can't understand that. V is really commercial and filled with annoying kids (much like Reading or Leeds) whereas Glastonbury has culture and cool bands, you get so much more for your money - its grows to twice the size of Bath, it becomes a city of culture in its own right, everything for comedy to jazz, cinema, dance, world music, alternative, mainstream.

Anything you could wish to think of is there, but like any festival, its best enjoyed with friends, so the fact that I only know 2 ex's going, and my Mum...quite frankly sucks.

*sigh*

Old Friend

A friend of mine called this evening and while it is always fantastic to hear him, our phone calls are tinged with sadness.

He has a very painful and difficult respiratory illness. I don't really know what it is, its something we don't talk about and it always ends up being the elephant in the room. I never know what to say, and end up feeling eternally guilty and selfish (I'm prone to waffling on when flustered for what to say).

It was the worst this time, his voice was weak, and he sounded tired. Not tired like when you haven't slept well, he actually sounded tired of life. The exhaustion in his voice was so prominent it was like he was seeping away right in front of me.

Needless to say this has left me feeling ashamed and empty. I have a great life, for a start I've not been ill my entire life, but I seem to whine and complain about it. I have so much to be thankful for.

I think its time I started to appreciate it more.
Doing well in this degree is not the end of the world, life will go on. I hope.

Blazing buildings, Tiny Ellie and Israeli produce

**Apologies for being lax at posting - I'm busy working and sometimes I don't feel like posting, it seems to ebb and flow for me**

1. The sunset behind the terraced houses. I can't see the sun, but the low level thick grey clouds glow bright orange and gold as the move quickly overhead, giving the illusion that the next street must be blazing and dark black smoke is bellowing upwards

2. Tiny elephants that line the design I have chosen, drawn by Tom

3. Having celery sticks with Israeli humous, set with pine nuts and chick peas. Its far smoother than the English version and has a deep flavour almost burnt in notes, and dark grey in colour, yet it tastes beautiful

Clean washing, Smoothies and Cement

1. The smell of clean washing hanging out to dry

2. Peach and berry smoothies for dinner

3. Finally getting cement from B&Q with Kate and Sam in tow

Feeding, Fingind and Chunks

1. Going to feed the kitten and having a cup of tea at the same time

2. Finding Casino Royale on the internet

3. Getting a good chunk of work going

Friends, Structure and Cuddles

1. Going out for dinner with 2 old friends

2. Finding out that my internal structure for my seat couldn't be simpler

3. Seeing a man give his son a cuddle, kneeling in the rain his son sits on his knee.

Burning

Last night I burnt my throat right down the back, by stupidly swallowing some food that was far too hot.

The result - a very very sore throat and the inability to drink tea...Nightmare

Results

Exam results came out this morning, and I've decided I'm on the wrong course.

With marks like 86 and 69 I don't think you can blame me, I reckon I could ahve been brilliant at purely exam bases courses, or at least ones with written coursework!

Nonetheless I have bumped up my average from the infamous 65, to 67.5, I'm now within 2.5 marks of a first, almost worth the fight? I'm not sure yet, but its given me some more motivation and I hope I can perform and keep my average up!

Timeplan, Count Ups and Count Downs

1. Writing out a detailed timeplan for each day, boring and unstimulating but it brings a certain amount of perspective to my workload and allows me to see the wood from the trees.

2. Downloading a table of sunset times for the year, and seeing how as each new dawn arrives the days are getting longer

3. Counting down that I have only 118 days left in uni, before I'm free.

Love at first viewing

I have found something I love, and unusually it is an advert.

Its the Lloyds TSB train adverts, which use a very distinctive style of animation. Whilst browsing around for Elephant graphics and motifs I came across the company who made it, StudioAKA, and I strongly advise you to go have a browse around.
They have all their adverts on there, and to my delight they seem to have done all my favourite ones, such as the 1999 Orange adverts, where a little cartoon man says "Bob-boy" ("bye bye") at the end of one (called "Hills").

I'm off there now to have another look...

Hints, Secrets and Elephants

1. Speaking to my new tutor and him liking my project and giving me loads of hints and ideas for moving forward

2. Having secret pancakes at Tom's house

3. Find the perfect elephant graphic for my seat

Text, Kiwi and Narcissism

1. Kate texting to say she made me a cup of tea so we could sit around and have a chat, only to realise I was out, then drinking my cup, and coming home to find her bouncing off the walls.

2. Finding a bag of kiwi's at the bottom of the fridge, they're rescued and split open to eat as a snack

3. Being completely narcissistic for just an hour and not caring

Feedback

I finally managed to speak to my tutor, and I'll give it to him, 65 was a fair mark.

But the general jist of the conversation was that I could have had a 75-80 had I taken 3 different decisions. The craziness of it was that these 3 decisions were ones where I went against my gut instinct.

I stuck to closely to the prescribed layout (something I wasn't happy with anyway) - had I gone my own way and done it how I had wanted my tutor reckoned that would have pushed me to 71.

Had I then explained the reasoning behind the design route in more detail (the fact I went for strong dominant lines), that would have been 75 in the bag.

And had I chosen to put my little cartoon characters on the seat, and played up my user interaction design that could possibly have pushed me up to 80s.

This is all very theoretical, but the general message was that I should have followed my instincts. Don't I feel stupid now...

I'm starting to get to the bottom of my "Little Miss 65" syndrome, I'm starting to think that if I had the confidence to trust my instincts and run with them, then I wouldn't always be landing at a 65.

Losing Interest

Over the last 6 months or so, maybe even longer, I've started to lose interest in music. I used to be completely dedicated and have flown to other countries just for a gig, however now, I can think of at least 400 different things I'd like to do, rather than go to a gig.

Maybe I'm getting old, which I obviously am in terms of time ticking by, but I can't think of anything worse...

warm beer
having it split by other people
playing sardines with annoying people
people below the age of consent giggling like little sh*ts, with parents in tow
the pushing and shoving
rubbish support bands who sap your soul
by the time the main band comes on, you're either
a) freezing cold (Nottingham Ice Arena)
b) Boiling hot (Nottingham Rock City)
c) Crushed
d) bored
e) have really sore feet, from stamping/pushing and general tiredness
And its £5 for a bottle of water at the end, which you have to buy as it was confiscated at the start

I'm into a more civilised affair, I don't know if I'd ever go to a gig and have the seating section, I suppose it is a little bit more "adult friendly", but rather boring to say the least.

On the other hand I can't wait for Glastonbury tickets to come on sale, at least you then have a choice as to how you spend your time and if you want to watch a band without killing yourself at the front, you can stand a half mile back and probably have better sound quality, whilst sitting on a blanket, toasting marshmellows over a fire.

Yes I'm old.

And I don't care.

New, Companionship and Poor Choices

1. Finally buying a nice new pair of jeans

2. Hanging out all day Saturday with Tegan

3. Giggling at the pathetic-ness of the movie we watched as a second choice to Hot Fuzz

Catching up

It's been a busy few days in the world of Ellie.

Thursday night saw 3 hours sleep from 4.30am to 7.30am, due to DesignWeek. My renderings took longer than expected, and putting the boards together even longer, although I met the deadline with half an hour to spare so I can't have been that bad!

Friday was filled with sitting on the sofa crying. I got my MDP1 mark back (for the heated seating). On the face of it I did quite well, I got 65 and I was quite pleased with that. Then I found out other people's marks. A couple of people, who I know did very very little work ended up with marks of 75+
Having been in the top of my group through the entire module, and then dropping (without warning) to the bottom was a real shock to me and something I am ahving difficultly comprehending.

Cue self-doubt, de-motivation and exasperation.

What had I missed so totally? Where has I fallen down? What did the others blag so well to get them very very high marks?

In my feedback, I was slated for my use headings and subheadings and severely marked down because of this...only these were the headings we were told we HAD to use...

I'm completely at a loss to understand how I managed to completely bomb out (yes I understand a 65 is a good mark, but if people who did less got more, then logic suggests I should have been equal if not higher than them)

I have a telephone meeting with my tutor organised for Monday, hopefully this will shed some light on the reasoning behind what I did wrong. I'd have preferred a face to face meeting but my tutor is away.

On a brighter note, I've noticed the light levels have suddenly shot up, coming home and finding it's still light, waking up to dawn not darkness. I love the coming of summer, it cheers me, I hope I can gain a bit of happiness from it now...

Progress Report, T minus 26 hours

I spent the whole day trying to get the materials right on my models yesterday. 14 hours. Far too long to be honest before I gave up trying to make the ribbed texture I wanted go in the right direction and not piss me about.

so I finally got to bed about 1am and I'm up again. I get the feeling I might not be sleeping tonight - most unlike me, I usually have everything finished well in advance.

Mood rating 5/10 - a lot to do, and I'm not happy at the lack of sleep!

T minus 3

I have chosen an idea, developed it and I'm happy with it as much as I can be I think.

I'm now CADing it up, and trying to adjust exact measurements and volumes, which is quite hard, and I'm hoping my poor CAD skills won't hinder the design too much...

Mood Rating 7/10, positive but still a long way to go

Renewal of services

ok I know I said I wouldn't be writing Beautiful Things for a while but I can't resist

1. Seeing a smoker walk past my window, and knowing that I'm not going to die a horrible death from lung cancer

2. Kate's perfect Sponge

3. 15 pages of designs, 120 concepts in 3 days :D

Progress

Kate has baked the most amazing Victoria Sponge, completely perfect in every way and its all been eaten!

The project for DesignWeek is going well, I've got some good ideas and some great ideas, and I'm just finishing off a page of variations for one of the designs. Then onwards to concept selection, which I want all sorted before dinner tonight, then I can get on with detailing.

On the detailing front, if I'm to make one of my ideas credible then I really need to resolve all the manufacturing issues - if I do it well, I could score highly, if its slightly unconvincing then I'll lose substantial amounts of points. For my design the key detail points are size and manufacturability. Size will be a little tricky, but doable, manufacturing will be do-able, but will it be believable??


Mood rating 4/10, still got loads of ideas, but starting to get twitchy and panicky about the "credibility" of my project...all manifesting itself in shaking hands - not good for drawing...

Hankering

I have a hankering for Mac...

...or Mac mini to be specific.

I have been wooed by the new adverts, I am fickle, you should all throw rocks at me. This is me, normally the impregnable fortress of cynicism, I've never (knowingly) been wooed by an advert before.

But I hate Windows, I hate its inadequacies, which frankly are unacceptable in this day and age (like restarting all the time), so a Mac mini seems the perfect solution. I already have a much loved keyboard, and mouse, and a lovely new screen. So getting a Mac mini would be the cheapest way (although I'd have to have all the top spec...I'm such a boy when it comes to toys), it won't be cheap tho.

Which is why I have to wait until
a) I win the lottery
b) I come into a large inheritance
c) Marry a rich man/woman (hey, its money we're talking about, I have no scruples)
d) My PC dies.

I have a feeling that option d) will be the most likely and/or quickest in arriving...
All I have to do is wait until I'm forced by my PC...where's that glass of water...

Mood Rating 6/10 - backache, tired, but getting there, and trying to ignore the prospect of the rendering I need to do...

Suspension of Key Services

I think I'm going to suspend my Three Beautiful Things for the time being - I've noticed a lack of inspiration on that count over the last few weeks, mainly because being stuck at my desk for hours and hours, doesn't allow me to see much of the world or its beautiful things!

Well today I'm looking forward to another day long of designing - I'm aiming to have a fully developed idea by the end of Monday, allowing CADing and renderings for Tuesday/Wed and sorting out boards and presentations on Thursday ready for Friday hand in

Its gonna be beastly!

Mood rating - 6/10, lonely and daunted, yet optimistic

Jam

I'm lacking inspiration somewhat today, I have banged out a respectable amount of ideas for the brief I have chosen, however due to its nature, most of the "blue-sky" ideas are not permitted, and I feel like I'm trying to reinvent the wheel.

I did however chose this brief deliberately due to its constrained nature as with only 8 days to design, I didn't want to be starting from scratch with the other briefs.

It means I'll end up with a nice little package of work at the end, however it won't be anything inspiring (and therefore worthy of top marks) if I can't come up with an innovative feature or detail, hence the feeling of re-inventing the wheel, plus the added disadvantage of having zero experience in this field.

*sigh*

Mood rating - 7/10, upbeat and positive

DesignWeek 2007

DesignWeek started today, a week long (or 8 days in reality) design project. The aim of this project is to take a set brief and develop a full product for manufacture in 8 days.

I can't actually say much more about it other than there are 3 briefs set by a range of companies, with global representation.

The reason I can't say anything more is because I've just signed an incredibly weighty confidentiality agreement, binding me to secrecy. I will keep you update as to progress/levels of stress/delusional behaviour/suicide attempts, but I won't be saying anything about the actual project - I will post images of my designs when and indeed, if, I get permission from my client (however this is likely to be months away...)

In other news...
It's been snowing all day and I'm frozen, it was a long trudge into town in my quest for inspiration and market research on the new project, but it was nice for a change. Not the 10-15cm predicted, more like 10-15nm...

I spent yesterday scrubbing the mould out of the bottom of my chest of drawers, I was tidying up when I removed clothes from the bottom draw to find it riddled with mould - yuk! Half a bottle of bathroom cleaner later, and I have a normal chest of drawers again...

Swirls, Inspiration and Storytelling

1. Mixing paint up and making lovely swirls

2. Getting inspiration for some of my canvases from Nikki

3. Kate and Sam coming home from their break and telling me all their funny little stories from it.

Flip-flops, Gold and Licking

1. Finishing the exam with an hour to spare, leaving early and strolling up in the rain to the union and no my way seeing lots of silly boys in flip-flops, it makes me smile

2. Having the last of my Maya Gold chocolate, sucking it slowly in the rain

3. The satisfaction of licking and sticking one of the old fashioned stamps onto a letter to my aunt

Exams, Mothers and Snow

1. Knowing that it's my last exam tomorrow

2. Mother dearest coming home from Egypt so I can stop spending a huge amount on texting her

3. Seeing that it is going to snow on Wednesday!

Last minute, Snoozing and Aroma

1. A last minute trip to Sainsbury's to get custard, and chocolate for Kate

2. Taking some time off revision for Green Wing...and snoozing through it

3. The smell of my room with the air purifier - it smells like it has no smell, just fresh and clean, almost "outdoorsy"

Nesting

Well my trip to Ikea was predictably fruitful, a new rug and cushion covers are now adorning our living room, along with the table I got for the air purifier, that doesn't fit in my room - d'oh. (That is now sat on my fireplace which seems a good choice).

So our living room is a treat, in cream and plums, it looks good, however if I had my way there would be dark furniture in there - it does look a little washed out consequently. I also have a lovely vase (only 99p) with a water plant (something Kate can't drown), I wanted to get 5 vases for the window sill, but Kate and Sam wouldn't let me - it would have meant their (dying) plants would have been relegated somewhere else, which they weren't keen on...I might have to get back there soon to pick up the other vases on the sly...

There is one unfortunate side-effect to Ikea, its the nesting feeling I get...I'm so sick and tired of moving house - I've done it so much over the years, and rarely lived in any one fixed place for more than 2 years at an absolute push - generally its 1 year before I move on.

After 14 years I want to settle into a house of my own, just one problem...I have no money...I'll be playing the lottery tonight then!

I-kiwi, Grater and Posh Sausages

1. Getting a nice table for my air purifier from I-kiwi

2. Getting a few other things including a new grater - Kate has great delight in throwing out my old rusty one, given to me by my Mum - I'm sure it dates from the late 70s

3. Cooking up a big dinner of posh sausages, roasties, mushrooms and peas for Kate, Sam and Tom...I love cooking for other people but don't have the time to do elaborate meals

Nah Nah Na Nah Nah

The Silver Fox

Dear Silver Fox,

When I called you a worrier, I meant it as "affectionate worrying" about my health.

And its nice to know you read the blog, then I can censor what I write about you...

...how you're a horrible ogre and smell of cabbages...

Love,
The Tight-Wadded Scot

Goodness

If I'm a good girl and I do my revision properly, Mummy Kate is taking me to Ikea this afternoon...
YAY!

Paint, Cooking and Thoughfulness

1. Having time to paint my toenails

2. Cooking up a huge meal of pork steaks in a spicy red wine sauce, mashed and creamed swede, and courgettes baked with tomatoes and cheese.

3. Getting an air purifier through the post, sent on to me, by my brother, and picked out by my loving and worrier of a father