Bye for now

I'm heading home today, so I'm just about to pack up my computer and thought I'd do one last post!

I'll be at Glastonbury this week, so I probably won't post anything for ages, but I shall return with tails of hippies, the Show, and my results (released later today).

So until then, keep safe, keep smiling, and think of me in all the mud...

xx

Mania!

Out again last night, for a meal with all the crew, Rich is leaving for America and Tom and I are heading to Glastonbury all on tuesday, which happens to be the last day of the show so there won't be any time left to say good bye - its strange really, I hope I see some of this lot again....

Needless to say yesterday's exhibition activities went well, however me with a hangover, pro-plus and a focus to get things done put the fear of god into some people. Having said that I was nice to everyone, didn't snap and just zoooooooomed around all day, getting home and being completely knackered.

I saw that boy last night in passing in a pub and then again in the street 5 minutes later. I think to say I was well and truly blanked is an understatement...and as Rich pointed out I've been dropped by a fresher!! haha anyway I'm not too fussed, it was highly immature and makes me realise my decision to just stop making contact was a good one (a decision that seems it was mutual too).

Anyway I now have to head into uni to make the exhibition happen. I'm thinking some before, during and after photos might show how much has been done in a day!

Socialising

I decided in the end to forward my CV to that guy and ask him to visit me at the show, hopefully something might come of it!

Out last night, and it was hot, sweaty and generally busy. Claire and I had a laugh but due to my intolerance of gassy drinks and her hayfevery eyes we had left the building at 1.30am and were steadily winding our way through the streets of Loughborough on the nightbus. I've never taken the nightbus before, as I've always just walked with friends, but it's run by the union, and for 50p will drop you off at your door and wait outside until you're safely in before moving onto the next person's stop...nifty, eh!

Anyway the real build up to the show starts today, with the removal of all the projects and the dismantling of all exhibition screens. It's going to be a hard day of lifting and I'm not sure going to bed at 2am was such a good idea....hmmmmmm

Yesterday I was also one of the lucky chosen ones to meet for lunch with the external examiners and have a general moan about the course, set things straight for years to come etc. It was a catered event and I have to say I spent more time at the buffet trying to make up for my missed breakfast, than much else.

Right to uni I go, I think I should make an appearance!

Decisions...

I'm having a crisis of confidence, again.

I've been sent an email from a guy recruiting for a consultancy, it looks great, the job is just what I want, I know that it would be a fantastic opportunity for me, but I'm so scared

I don't know if I should bother, I'm not convinced I'm good enough for it. Plus it's here in Loughborough, I think if I am going to seriously apply then I should be prepared to stay here. Its weird having been here for 4 years I won't have any friends left here, and its not exactly a thriving social scene to find new friends...

I don't know, maybe I should just go for it to get the experience of trying?

Bragging

Well I'm not one for horoscopes telling me what is going to happen in future, but I've found one that suggests something you could do today that might make you a bit happier. Now I always like things that make me happy, so when it said today

Don't be ashamed to admit that you're proud of your accomplishments. Feel free to share them with others today, but don't brag too much.

I thought I'd better pay attention.

Well my achievements are that I have finished my degree, I will get at least a 2:1, I have been appointed Artistic Director for the upcoming Show and my work is being prepared at the printers nearly as we speak.
The Show Booklet has been uploaded on the internet, yours truly is on page 53 of the PDF.

My DesignWeek project was also reviewed by the owners of the material, who I can now exclusively reveal was Boots. They said my designs (which I still can't reveal) were "fresh, simple and clean to use" and "would look good on shelf across all brands". I like to think that someone who knows what they are talking about wrote that, but I'm well aware it could have been anyone.

I hope that shows how quietly proud of my achievements I am, I don't want to brag, and rarely do, but I thought today I'd make an exception...

Licking, Flipping and Sipping

1. The weather getting suddenly warm and again, giving the excuse to buy ice lollies and sit in the park

2. Teenage boys doing back flips to impress the girls, who are paying no attention whatsoever!

3. Cooking up a massive dinner for Tegan, Julia and Chris, drinking a bottle of wine, then going to the Orange Tree for more cocktails and lots of chatting...shame I'm stuck with the washing up...

Disaster

I'm sure I had photos of me looking elegant for EDW, but I can't find them! I think my only option is to make sure from now on I have shots that encompass more of my clothes, rather than just my (lovely) head...so updates on that, as and when!

Flirtation, Milk and Indulgence

1. The feeling of giggly elation when flirting goes your way (although I obviously don't giggle...)

2. Finally looking less like a milk bottle when out in the sun - I heart fake tan!

3. Staying in for the first time in over a week, cooking up a beautiful dinner and sitting down with a glass of wine and enjoying it without having to work afterwards

Elegantly Dressed Wednesday: ERA

It's been a few weeks since my last EDW, and this week I found it hard to choose, not because of an extensive list of possible candidates in my mind, but rather an (alcohol induced) apathy on my part.

So today I have decided to nominate myself. Indulgent I know, however I have (nearly) always attempted to dress well and for my shape; to project a classy demeanour and rise above the rest.

Although I don't necessarily pull off the drop dead gorgeous vamp style of dressing, I certainly hope my attempts at simplicity and elegance don't go un-noticed.

Unfortunately, there is one issue hampering my claim to this week's EDW...my hard drive is not playing ball today, taking with it all my photos. So I hope to substantiate the claim in the next few days...

Relaxation

I'm not really doing much at the moment, mainly relaxing, cleaning, doing washing, all highly domesticated activities and I'm absolutely shattered...I'm thinking its the come down of finishing and suddenly having no stress whatsover, or it could be the constant partying in the evenings...

Needless to say I'm trying to enjoy my time "off" and take it as a little holiday, but in reality I'm so used to working all day and most nights and all weekends that I don't know what to do with myself (although I'm sure I'll get a little bit used to it soon).

Yesterday was my final presentation, it went as well as could be expected, I have no issues with standing up and speaking, but the tutors were confrontational, and one sat there in silence yawning...did I mention I was the third person to present to them out of 40...they really should have made more of an effort to attempt to be interested...
For the rest of the day I just hung out with Nikki and Kate after her first exam, before heading out with Nikki in the evening to the Orange Tree (my favouritest haunt). Lovely.

I am however receiving a fair amount of banter about my Friday night activities with a fresher! The guys think it's hilarious and the girls are quite surprisingly excited about it and keep going on about it...anyone would think they've got nothing going on in their lives! Nonetheless I don't think I'll be living that one down for a while!

Right I'd better make myself decent and do some shopping, before heading down to the park for "some Jars and a BBQ" as one of the guys described it (mid-afternoon I'll be ditching them for the far more important activity of Tea and cake with Tegan and Julia...)

ahhhhhh this is the life...

I'm back

So, after a long while away, I return.

The end of my project was stressful beyond words, but it's over now and I have handed in all my work for the final time, all's left is the handing in of library books and a presentation tomorrow (for which I have done nothing....)

I honestly don't think I could have completed the last week of the project, last Sunday I had several panic attacks and wound myself up incredibly well, culminating in phoning home and Dad taking the (brilliant) decision to come up to Lufbra and look after me for the final week. He kept me sane and I managed to finish a fair proportion of the work. I think I would have fallen to pieces without him. As he rightly points out I now owe him a lifetime of brownie points...

Thursday night (the night of the hand in) it was straight down the pub - 2 snakebite blacks later (the disgustingly traditional drink of Lufbra, affectionately known here as a "Nasty") and I was strolling home to see Dad who was waiting to take me to dinner...

half a bottle of red wine at the Indian and then on to the Orange Tree to meet the other 100 people on my course. It was complete madness but I managed to escape to bed at midnight and awoke feeling completely terrible. I am no longer built for drinking!

Friday was spent mooching about, lunch with Nikki after waving off Dad, then into town where Primark was raided and many a tiny short dress bought.

Friday night was a BBQ at Rich and Rob's and then on to the uni (in the afore mentioned tiny tiny tiny dress). Needless to say I got chatted up by a rather lovely, and surprisingly confident 18 year old. However it did make me feel really old.... especially when I worked out that I was starting uni when he was 13...

Now I am just chilling out, and trying to work out what the hell to do with my life...

11 days...

This week has just flown by, I've spent the entire week with a sanding block in my hand rubbing down my project - it is the most mind-numbing experience, oh and combined with car body filler I've lost the first few layers of skin on my fingers - it really isn't very attractive, so I'm going to get some Swiss hand-cream. I think that'll do the job - that or a I should just climb in a giant tub of aqueous cream.

The project has been moving forward, but not as quickly as I'd have hoped. Friday saw a disaster hit, my own fault really, because I hadn't squared up all the pieces before I started glueing - resulting in a nice 1 inch gap in the sides of my chair. Cue a frantic search for my tutor, the borrowing of mallets, clamps, the nailing down of batons, leverage and some brute forcing to impose 90 deg angles on the thing. So that was a day wasted. At least all the parts should fit together and it won't be on the wonk...

This means I have 11 days left - my project is still in pieces, the electronics aren't finished, I haven't finished modelling the CAD for it, I have no user evaluations, and the report isn't written.

Oh and I'm shattered, although I have an over developed right arm from sanding.

Thankfully, all doubts have been pushed to the back - I have no time for them.

(there was no Elegantly Dressed Wednesday this week from me purely because I was working away from computers all week)

Doubts

I'm not having a good time of it lately. The work is really getting me down - I spend whole days working away, trying to get everything on that day's to do list done, but only ever seem to scratch the surface. I'm becoming disillusioned and demoralised - silly really considering I have 14 days left to prove my worth on my degree and qualify as a BA Industrial Designer.

Only I don't know if I'll make it, I've got so much to do, and so little time to complete it in. I don't think I can recall a time when I have felt this stressed. This is worth so much - if I do poorly in this one project, that will be my entire degree ruined. And ok, I know the class of your degree isn't the be all and end all, but after 4 years of long days, long nights, tears, pain, stress and hope, I find that I have a lot invested emotionally in doing well.

This is my life. Design. I can't imagine doing anything other than this. I couldn't do anything other than this. But what if? What if I can't complete this project? What if my output is poor?

What if I fail?

I guess that's the biggest issue for me. I have never failed at anything that ever meant anything to me. Driving tests, GCSEs, A Levels, I got the university I wanted, I have got every interview I ever went for. Maybe this is the point at which I learn that important lesson. Failure.

Now if I take my logical side of the brain, switch it on, and use it properly, I'd know that I already have enough marks in the bag to pass my degree. Even if I got a zero in this project I'd still come out with a 45. A Pass.

But I don't want a Pass, I want a 2:1. If I'm brutally honest I want a first. I don't think I'll get that, and I won't hold my hopes up for one, the best I can expect is a 2:1. But I'll hold out for a 2:2...then I can't get let down by myself.

Maybe that's it. I might have let myself down. Well I've come too far to change the nights when I've gone to bed not worked through. Too far to change that I have made things difficult for myself. Too far to change that despite my tough outer shell, I'm petrified of talking to people, asking for help. Too far to change that I will procrastinate to put off having to do things that I haven't done before. Too far.

15 days. Or 14 if you count that today is almost gone.

14 days until there is nothing left to change my fate.

But do I have the strength; the inclination; the will to put that much more effort in? Will putting that effort in increase my emotional investment, make the pill that much tougher to swallow, if I do badly?

I don't know.

But I think I'd better figure it out soon, before it's too late.

If only I could believe in myself

Depression

The weekend was miserable, weather-wise - just poured down all day long, which unsurprisingly gives the day an air of depression. I didn't get much done in total, I managed to get a few engineering drawings started, and get more done on my models, however yesterday afternoon was mostly spent watching TV, as I ran out of work to do.
Today however I will be back in uni for a full day in the workshops, a day of sanding, soldering and hard graft...yay.

17 days left until the end of my degree and I'm never going to finish in time...
I promise after that, that I'll start putting up proper posts that aren't at all just quick notes on the content of my depressing weekend.

Yesterday

Yesterday was very good, I managed to complete my electronics and attempted to produce a PCB, which didn't go too well, however I'm going to complete it today...hopefully

Anyway early nights are the order of the day - ridiculously early, 9.30pm last night, and I'm not so refreshed as I would have liked, I don't think I've ever been so happy for it to be a Friday, not that the weekend will be any better, filled with computing and CAD ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Anyway, put my smiling face on...

3BT
1. Getting to the point where I'm finally starting to "get" electronics, I really should have done it in my second year

2. Tony Blair finally leaving office, I detest that odious man, although I'm inclined to believe that he was the frying pan, and Brown is the fire

3. Rain, that is so needed, it's light and doesn't drag me down

Elegantly Dressed Wednesdays

I few days ago I found this link, and it reminded me of how poorly people dress nowadays - where has class and elegance gone??
So to celebrate the new EDW, here's a picture of a very elegant lady herself

Maria Callas

Simple, classic elegance; something I aspire to, although I know I rarely achieve it.

Willow, Handy and Tipsy

1. Walking down by the nature reserve and letting the new willow leaves brush over my face, instead of ducking

2. Getting an unexpected lift to Halfords and a hand with 2 tubs of car body filler

3. Seeing my old housemate Pippin, I haven't seen her for nearly 2 years and we laugh at how quickly the time has flown, and get a bit tipsy

Angry sunshine, smokey sausages and being a morning lark

1. Sitting in the sunshine, in my sports casual look, dust mask, sanding away to the Foo Fighters

2. A small BBQ with Kate and Sam's mates, they're good people and interesting to chat to

3. Being up ludicrously early but still having the energy to complete a report before 9am

Infatuation

ok ok ok, I know it's very sad, but I'm infatuated with some music (is that really possible...?)

Anyway, I will save the gushing tribute style that I've done before and just say this...

I've listened to this album continuously for the last 10 days, for about 13 hours a day, and I'm still not bored of it.

Maximo Park - Our Earthly Pleasures

Buy it

Now

(oh yeah, I've decided I'm moving to Newcastle and marrying the lead singer, either him or Kevin McCloud or Derren Brown...although I imagine Derren would be a nightmare - start an argument and he'd convince you he was right, that he'd won, and that you didn't have a leg to stand on...nightmare)

New beginnings, dinner, pink

Apologies for not posting yesterday, my computer decided that it wasn't going to turn on yesterday, but miraculously decided that it would today - typical!

1. Hearing from Tegan that she got the job in Newcastle

2. Nikki cooking dinner for me after a long week of toil, yummy

3. Toying with the idea of putting a pink streak in my hair - I used to be pink all over, and I'll probably never do that again, but it'd be nice to have a change.